Archive for November, 2008
November 30, 2008 at 9:05 am · Filed under spiritual
Okay, I posted every day through the 17th (which really is some kind of record for me), and then I fell off. What happened?
At the beginning of the month, I was going through some serious sh**, due to an ill-thought-out decision to go off my anxiety medication six weeks earlier. (I had made some cool lifestyle changes, so that ought to be enough, right? Guess not.) Posting to my blog every day in November had a special appeal to me this year, because it was one more way I could try to hang on to what sanity I had left. Frankly, most things made me think about death, and writing about it (well, parts of it) was a welcome distraction. I could kind of remove myself and be an observer of what was going down in my brain.
Yes, riding in the car made me think about (accidental, violent) death. Happy old people made me think of my own inevitable decline and demise. Cute little kids made me think about how they would grow up too fast, get old and die. I had a constant sense of anxiety — fight or flight! — that made everything a source of panic.
At one point, before deciding to call the shrink, I told Pete, “I feel like I’m already dead.”
This is my brain, not on drugs!
So, the first six days of the month were me trying not to lose it. The second six were me getting my mojo back. And the rest of the month, well, I’m busy living. Most of it is fairly mundane stuff. The internet does not want to know what I had for breakfast, right?
That’s my excuse for my NaBloPoMo failure. I won’t call it an epic fail, because in so many ways it’s a resounding success.
November 26, 2008 at 3:36 pm · Filed under knit/crochet
So I failed 2008 NaBloPoMo. That’s fine, as long as I don’t fail Thanksgiving. I’m making my second-ever bird, and I did some last minute shopping for food items — butter, onions, potatoes, crackers, cheese. (The last two we’ll need because we’re waiting until 3 pm to eat the big meal. Moon has to work.)
All I really want to do is knit, but I’ll get my chance to do that Friday during our big car ride to Sis #2’s house. I’ve been making lots of little things for an upcoming craft fair: 3 moebius scarves, 4 hats, a bunch of coffee cozies, some small felted bowls. And I’m still cranking out the small stuff. It’s very rewarding to use up extra yarn I’ve had sitting around. Of course, it makes me want to buy replacement yarn, but I’m resisting that temptation so far.
November 20, 2008 at 4:55 pm · Filed under blather
Hey, I lasted a fairly long time with the NaBloPoMo this year. So things got a little hectic these past few days. There’s always the puppycam.
Moon has the idea that she wants to go see Hamlet this evening because her work schedule and so forth means tonight might be her only chance before it closes on the 29th. I’m game, but our one-car situation means that Pete would have to feel benevolent as well. We shall see.
November 17, 2008 at 9:13 pm · Filed under fitness
That’s what Pete asked me today. A few short weeks ago, I was tearfully telling him all my innermost woes and fears. Death was my constant inner companion.
“I’m a lot better,” I told him. And it’s true. I can hardly believe how different I feel already. In fact, I haven’t felt this normal in a long time. Not even before I ran out of medication two months ago. So it’s not all being back on meds. I think part of it is that I’m getting regular exercise, which apparently is more important to my mental health than I realized. Another factor, I think, is that I’ve accepted where I’m at and have a certain peace about it.
There’s also the thing where it feels good when you stop being whacked in the head with a brick over and over again. Not getting a brick in the head isn’t neutral, it’s great.
November 16, 2008 at 11:34 pm · Filed under blythe
Finally got to see “Role Models” today, just me and Peter. Watched the Bollywood comedy later in the evening. Moon had her first real day of work, cashiering. That’s about all.
November 15, 2008 at 10:24 pm · Filed under knit/crochet, moon (rachel)
I can’t remember if I mentioned that Moon had a job interview yesterday and was hired on the spot. Her training started right away (last night), so I ended up running around with her trying to get a work permit and not being able to find her social security card, then going to the social security office to apply for a replacement, but having everything work out despite not being able to go to see “Role Models” as we had originally planned. (Peter, who was with us, wasn’t too happy about the turn of events. We’ll try again.)
Today I had swimming lessons and did a small amount of shopping. I’ve been collecting yarn for afghans lately. Acrylic stuff to crochet. I worked on my prayer shawl this afternoon and got quite a bit done. We caught the end of the Wisconsin/Minnesota game on TV. Moon was there in person with Brooke’s family, and seemed to have a good time despite the way the game turned around in the second half. The Paul Bunyan axe stays here. Woo?
And that’s about it. I think I’m back.
November 14, 2008 at 12:13 pm · Filed under moon (rachel)
Here’s the whole set (and I really do suggest you look).
This embroidery is my contribution to the ensemble. I was nervous because I don’t really know what I’m doing, and I had to work directly on the finished pocket—which I then had to machine-sew in place. Moon lightly sketched the image for me in pencil.
She looks pretty good as a blond Evil League of Evil member.
November 13, 2008 at 4:40 pm · Filed under peter
I had the first of 13 parent-teacher conferences today at lunch. The rest are tomorrow morning, and since they are only 5 minutes each, it’ll be humanly possible to go to them all. At least I think it will be. Some of them are back-to-back because it was the only was I could schedule them.
Anyway, today’s warm-up was with Peter’s gym teacher. She was very nice, and noted that the cargo shorts Peter has been wearing all year are not the best for class. Apparently she wants the boys to wear something that won’t ride down in the back when they’re running. Okay, shopping trip this weekend. (I don’t blame her for not wanting to see adolescent plumber butt.)
The report card already arrived, so I’m somewhat prepared for what I’ll be hearing tomorrow. I tell you what, I am much better equipped to cope with this now than I was a week ago. Timing is everything.
November 12, 2008 at 7:55 pm · Filed under movies
So yesterday, to celebrate Moon’s acceptance to the college of her choice, we decided to have dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant. (I know! In the middle of the week!) We told the owner—well, I’ve always assumed he’s the owner—it was a celebration, and he was very kind and congratulatory. The kids think he’s awesome. He calls Peter “boss,” which amuses him greatly.
Anyway, as we were leaving, Peter commented that he liked the Bollywood music playing in the background. Apparently it was from the soundtrack to a popular movie. Our friend wrote the title down and told us to go to a nearby Indian market, where we could check out the movie. No charge. “If you are charged, you have them call me,” he said.
I stopped at the market while I was on another errand this evening. The movie was not in stock, but the owner signed me up for a free membership and said he would call me when he had it again. He also offered me any other movie for free, but of course I had no idea what to choose. I asked him to pick out something good for me. “You like love stories? Funny movies?” he asked.
I went with comedy. He assured me he was giving me a hilarious movie, and I can’t wait to find out. I’m wondering how funny will translate.
(P.S. Dreary, foggy day outside. Normal funk, which is a delightful change from the full-on crazy funk. Which means I’m still doing well.)
November 11, 2008 at 3:45 pm · Filed under moon (rachel)
We’re going to be paying the big bucks to University of Minnesota — Twin Cities next year. Moon is a very happy future student.
November 10, 2008 at 11:20 am · Filed under animals
You’ll smile, trust me.
Sleep update (mine, not the puppies’): No strange wanderings, just a regular night’s of snoozing like a normal person. Thank goodness.
November 9, 2008 at 9:55 am · Filed under blather
Yesterday was pretty fun, especially watching Moon play “Beast and the Harlot” at master class. She was good! We had dinner out, which might have set the stage for what happened later on. I ate food that I normally wouldn’t have had. (Onion rings, chili.)
I took my medication with water, which isn’t recommended but I figured my stomach was still pretty full from before. And I had trouble falling asleep, Sometime early in the night, I started feeling very nauseated, and thought I was going to throw up. So I dashed into the bathroom, but nothing happened except for a horrible sense that the walls were moving. I made my way back to bed, but collapsed on the floor as I was trying to climb in. Pete awoke with a start. First I told him I needed help, then that I didn’t need help. (I guess I was a little loopy. He thinks I was sleepwalking, but I remember everything.)
I didn’t sleep very well after that, and neither did he. I feel bad that what happened affected his sleep. I guess he thought I was going to fall out of bed or get up and wander around. Tonight I’ll be sure to eat or drink something with my medication. What a lesson! You’d think I hadn’t done this before.
November 8, 2008 at 10:05 am · Filed under knit/crochet
I’ve had two good nights of sleep. Last night I didn’t even have panicky feelings when I went to bed. So this is a huge improvement. I overslept a little (until 7) but was perfectly alert for swim class at 8:15. And hey, I’m getting better at this propelling myself through water stuff.
I feel incredibly good, but I think part of it was because I felt so bad before. Like, it feels awesome when you stop being hit in the head with a brick. Not that there’s anything unusual about the “not being hit in the head” state, just that the constant whapping was really annoying and demoralizing and it hurt.
This afternoon is Moon’s master class, which means I get to listen to lots of rock songs (over and over) and knit. Should be entertaining. Right now Moon and Pete are listening to the playlist. There are some pretty ambitious songs on there. Mostly I’m looking forward to hearing Pete sing lead for the Jackson 5 song.
In other news, our church is having a craft/harvest sale the first week of December, so I’ve been knitting hats, felted bowls and coffee cozies. I haven’t taken any pictures of them, but it was good to have some small projects that didn’t demand much thought.
I have a few projects that need ripping, but it’s a bit scary. I’m not sure where to start. Should be interesting, though, and it’ll be nice to have the yarn.
November 7, 2008 at 11:19 am · Filed under fitness
I didn’t fall asleep immediately last night, but I guess that was to be expected. The good news is that I am pretty sure I was out before midnight, and I slept through until 7. Which means I missed working out this morning. That’s okay.
I’m a little funky and woozy, but so far free of the crippling sense of doom that has been my companion for the past weeks. Ah, relief! I can actually look forward to the weekend.
It’ll take some time to get back to full normalcy, I know. But this is a good start.
In other news, I took an online fitness quiz at The 8 Colors of Fitness. It’s a color coded personality assessment based on Myers Briggs. Here are the results, which I think are fairly accurate.
November 6, 2008 at 3:33 pm · Filed under fitness
That’s what the doctor told me, as I blinked away tears after telling him what the past few weeks have been like. I have my prescription, and he expects me to be online again within about a week.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not one bit. My brain activity wouldn’t let up, and my heart kept pounding away as my anxiety increased. It brought back memories of what I went through when I first sought help, and I have to admit it freaked me out.
My shrink didn’t seem phased at all by my going off my meds or the intensity of my reaction. All in a day’s work, I guess. He pointed out that my long periods of doing really, really well make it seem that much worse when I’m not doing well. I’m hoping I get my perspective back, and soon.
I’ve learned some stuff from this experience:
- I don’t feel guilty or inadequate for being on medication anymore. Just grateful that I respond to it (knock on wood).
- In general, my life is pretty good. Sure, there are parenting challenges and money challenges and body image challenges, but nothing that warrants the flood of emotions I’ve ridden lately.
- There are worse things than getting old or being fat.
Fingers crossed that I get some good sleep tonight.
November 5, 2008 at 4:12 pm · Filed under blather
I had trouble falling asleep last night (excited!) and today I’m paying the price a bit. Sleep deprivation tends to increase my anxiety. My mind has also been playing the “what if” game … as in, what if the medication doesn’t work this time? What if I always have this constant background hum of fear and dread? What if my body chemistry has changed?
Blech. Good thing the country at large is heading in a direction I can get behind. It’s nice to have one less thing on my worry plate.
Also, McCain’s speech last night? Wonderful. Not so great were the catcalls and boos from the crowd when Obama’s name was mentioned. The crowd in Chicago, large as it was, seemed to behave with far more class and decorum.
(And how cute are those Obama girls? I’m excited they’re getting a puppy… wouldn’t it be awesome if they picked out a shelter dog?)
November 4, 2008 at 3:54 pm · Filed under moon (rachel)
I can’t remember if I mentioned that Moon signed up to work at the polls today, through a program at school. The thing is, it wasn’t especially well organized, and only half of the kids received an assignment yesterday during school. Moon waited for an email but hadn’t received one this morning. She was up before 5 am to check.
Right before 6, I called the teacher in chrage, hoping that it wasn’t too rude of me. She was up (yay!) and near the phone, and no, she hadn’t heard anything more from the clerk’s office. Her advice was to go to the closest polling place, have Moon tell the person in charge she was trained and sworn in, and hope for the best.
So that’s what we did. Except our polling place already had 15 workers, and the guy in charge wasn’t sure he’d need any more. He gave us the phone number for the clerk’s office. Apparently the office was open already. We might not get an answer, but it was our only hope at that point.
Neither of us had brought our cell phones (hey, it was early) so we borrowed one. And the universe was on our side, because who should pick up the phone but the guy in charge of the high schoolers. I explained the situation and gave him Moon’s name. He looked her up, and told her to report to the police station. I have a feeling he made up her assignment on the fly. Moon was happy, though.
I stopped by at noon to see if she needed anything (such as lunch). I was surprise to see that no one was in line to vote. Sounds like it was busy at first, then slowed down quite a bit. Maybe it’ll pick up again at 5.
As for me, I voted a few weeks ago, but I still stopped by Starbucks for my free coffee. I’ll probably be glued to the TV tonight. My usual inexplicable sense of dread has been replaced with a vague unsettled feeling which is probably normal considering the past few presidential elections.
Fingers crossed, people.
November 3, 2008 at 4:51 pm · Filed under blather
I reached the doc’s office, and I have an appointment for Thursday around noon. Yahoo. At least I don’t have to wait until next week. Just knowing that I’ll get to talk about my current state with my designated professional makes me feel a little better.
This morning, I tried out my new swim goggles. I can’t believe I’ve been attempting laps all this time without them. Much easier to focus on movement and breathing when you aren’t constantly opening and closing your eyes. Less banging into the side of the pool, too. It’s a win-win!
Speaking of which, I’m glad I voted early. At the time, an hour seemed like a long time to wait… but I’m hearing stories about people being in line for 3 hours or more. Very curious to see what the polling places look like tomorrow. Will we really know the outcome before the day is out?
November 2, 2008 at 7:08 pm · Filed under friends, spiritual
I knew before I got to church that it would take all my might to hold my sh** together during the service. Which was interesting, because I was worship assistant today. I stood in front and read announcements, got the service started and introduced songs. I almost burst into tears for no reason four times. The service was longer than usual, too. My final duty was standing by the door afterwards and hugging people as they left.
I was pretty proud of myself for getting through the whole thing. Of course, I lost it in the car on the way home. SpiritMan is a patient guy. I’m glad he understands that there’s no big underlying drama or reason when I occasionally turn into a big wad of feelings.
In other news, the kids and I went to meet Kiko, who is quite charming and delightful. That was easily the highlight of the weekend. 
My goal for November is to get back to normal. It’ll be interesting to see how my posts change as that happens. (Fingers crossed. Toes, too.)
November 1, 2008 at 5:01 pm · Filed under fitness, shopping
It’s a beautiful beginning to the month, and I spent most of the day shopping in some form or another. Kohl’s was having a big sale, so Moon scored bunches of jeans, socks, sweaters, pajamas and unmentionables while I got a sweater and a nightshirt. Then we stocked up on our usual foodstuffs at Trader Joe’s. I bought caulk at Ace Hardware, swim goggles and shampoo at Simply Swimming, and a new mascara at Sephora.
Quite a bit of economy stimulation for just one day. At least for us.
This morning also marked my first swim lesson since… well, since Water Babies when I was a mere toddler. I’ve already learned a lot (elbows/kicks/breathing) and I can’t wait to try it out when I do laps on Monday. The new goggles ought to help because I’ve been opening and closing my eyes as I crawl, which often leads to running into the side of the pool.
In other news, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. It’s been about six weeks off meds, and this past week or so has been a struggle. I know it’s my brain, because there is no good external reason for all this angst and anxiety. On paper, my life is pretty damn sweet. But my brain keeps sending waves of dread at random times, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to be dreading.
What’s more, I have anxiety related to going back on meds, even though I’ve got lots of experience with them, and I’m able to get results with a much lower than normal dose. It would be awesome if my dietary changes, exercise habit, spiritual practice and so forth would be enough to make me feel like my regular self. Not sure I’m willing to wait much longer to see if that’s going to happen.
Let’s see what happens this month, shall we?
